I have been MIA for a bit. My life has gotten in the way of writing, although I have still been reading. I found out towards the end of August that I was pregnant for the 3rd time. I have one child, my beautiful 4 year old daughter, and had a miscarriage in early June. During this time since I stopped writing on my blog I was mostly spending all my time feeling like crap. I was nauseas almost all the time and completely exhausted. Sadly, at the beginning of this month I found out that I had again lost another pregnancy. As you can imagine I was completely devastated. I still am. But I feel that writing and expressing this horrible experience is soothing for the soul. Getting all these feelings out can only help, right?
For years I battled with the decision about having another child. How on earth could I possibly love another child as much as I love Charlotte? How could I steal attention from the person that means most to me on this earth? The thought of starting over again seemed exhausting. Until one day it didn’t. Kyle and I finally decided we wanted to try again. It was time to grow our family. As luck would have it, just like the first time, we got pregnant super fast. My dreams of this little being were forming in my head and I was already head over heels. Then one day it was over. I had just enough time to get completely attached before the doctor looked me in the eye and told me that it was over. I was miscarrying. We had just announced to our families for mothers day that we were having another child, and now we weren’t. I was completely filled with feelings of overwhelming sadness and loss of control. I couldn’t understand why this was happening to me. What did I do? What could I have done to prevent this?
A couple months pass and Kyle and I decide to try again. Our horrible experience was over. The chances of having a miscarriage after the first is just 2 percent. 2 percent. We got pregnant again and we were terrified. Excited but terrified. Without my permission I found myself beginning to get excited again. I was miserable, exhausted, and constantly nauseas. It felt horrible but I was holding on to it as a good sign. I was falling in love all over again. 9 weeks in and my ultrasound appointment fast approaching I felt like this was it. We were almost through the home stretch. The ultrasound appointment only brought sadness. 9 weeks along and the baby was only measuring at 5 weeks with no heartbeat to be seen. I could feel that it was over. The doctor wanted to follow up a week later and do the sono herself. I needed to hold onto hope, but I truly felt hopeless. My fears were confirmed one week later. I was having my 2nd miscarriage. My baby was gone. Again. It’s an overwhelming sadness to create something in your head and have it taken away from you. I will never know these children that I have lost. Would they have been shy like Charlotte? Or would they have been outgoing? How would Charlotte do as a big sister? Would she have gotten the baby brother she has always wanted? She was so excited to feel the kicks inside mommy’s tummy. It was all taken away. Again.
I felt so crappy for those weeks that I didn’t feel like doing anything. I didn’t want to read, I didn’t want to write, I didn’t even want to play video games. I was just so nauseas all the time. Even though I felt too sick to write I was already excitedly planning my first post after I finally made it to 12 weeks. I was planning all the excitement of telling people, looking at pregnancy announcement pictures to get ideas of how to announce my exciting news to my friends and family. Trying to decide between a Harry Potter themed announcement and a Halloween announcement. The end was in sight. I had so much hope.
Now I sit here, cramping from my 2nd D & C in 4 months with my heart completely broken. During my last appointment my doctor squeezed my hand and told me that we’d figure this out, this wasn’t the end. It sure felt feels like the end. I don’t know if I have it in me to do this again. I don’t think I am strong enough to go through this again. I feel like I should come to terms with Charlotte being an only child. Finding a way to be okay with all of this. Accepting that I won’t get to do it again.
No matter how broken I feel at this moment and future moments as I continue to process this I just think about all the other women who have gone through, are going through, and will go through this. That most of us suffer in silence. I decided the first time and stand by that decision now that I don’t want to suffer in silence. I don’t want to keep these losses a secret. These losses are as much a part of me as the loss of my father and brother. They are ingrained in my soul. The refusal to suffer in silence also allows me to have this amazing support system. I have my wonderful family continually keeping me strong. I have my best friends. My work friends. Friends I have met through my reading and writing. Friends I’ve lost touch with. Strangers experiencing this exact same thing. It’s a wonderful thing to have this group of people supporting you. Telling you that it will be okay. Because it will. & it won’t. There will be good days. There will be bad days. But I will not suffer alone, and I hope that you won’t either.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope if you feel the strength to share yours, because even if you help just one person feel not so alone it was worth it.
Julia Swoons ♥