Anyone that knows me, I mean truly knows me understands how extra I am. Like a total drama queen. I know a lot of people claim this, maybe they don’t but honestly I have #noshame. I’m constantly dying or about to die. Really. Sickness, tired, hungry, sore, just living life kills me. ☠
Another way I am just so unbelievably extra is that I pass out a lot. Maybe I should say faint, that sounds more lady like. I have been fainting for years. Personally I think it’s due to anxiety and sometimes not eating enough that day. But I’m no doctor. I’m sure there is a medical reason. Who knows. All I know is it happens, a lot. My first time fainting like the delicate little flower I am was when I was 13 and I got my cartilage pierced. Here I am strolling into Claire’s feeling like a badass. Well it hurt. A lot. Walk out of the store and poof. Fainted. Probably less of a poof and more of a boom but you get the picture 😉
Well that same year I also decided to get contacts. I was really going through a change everything phase. I was young. Well after attempting to stab myself in the eye with a contact for at least an hour, I felt ill. Since this was the beginning of my fainting life I didn’t really know what was happening. So like a totally normal person I went into the restroom, to you know, die. It’s like when an animal gets old or is sick and it knows it’s going to die it like looks for somewhere to hide. Under a porch, in a box, under a log, whatever. That was me. Looking for somewhere to die alone. My mother had to shove my passed out body away from the bathroom door at Bard optical to get in and wake me up. What. A. Hoot. Good thing I didn’t lock the door… Since my life isn’t a romance novel I probably wouldn’t have been saved by 4 sexy fireman. Plus I was 13,so they wouldn’t have been interested in me anyway.
So passing out. It’s kinda my thing.. Pretty badass right?! Oh you better watch out, this bitch is gonna eff you up as long as her anxiety doesn’t take her out first 😂 I have also had the typical getting a shot, giving blood, etc. faints. When I had to get shots in high school they would strap me to this crazy chair and flip me upside. Talk about dramatics. It really helped though. Last year I got my lovely feminist tattoo on my wrist. All I ate that day was half a scone. I don’t have a gallbladder so if I eat a lot sometimes bad things happen. Things you don’t want happening whilst being tattooed. Well he was just filling in the feminist symbol and out I go. Wake up to him leaning me back and handing me a pill to take. What does one do when a stranger gives them a pill? Well you take it of course. Obvi.
What brought on this explanation of my dramatics you ask? I bet you can guess. No? Yes? You guessed it. Or did you? I went to the dentist yesterday. Wooo. Pretty typical thing. Everybody goes to the dentist. At least I hope. Well being a coffee and coke addict (the drink, not the white stuff 😉) I get some cavities so I need some fillings. I got a couple last week and got a couple yesterday. Last week was fine. A-okay. Yesterday. Well of course I passed out at the dentist while getting numbed. Those needles are outrageously long. I told her it was happening then I wake up to find myself completely leaned back with my tiny lady dentist holding my legs in the air. I mean I’m impressed by her strength because I’m definitely not small and she definitely is. So my mouth is numb, I’m drooling, laying backwards, while a tiny woman holds my legs in the air. I was trying to think of a polite way to tell her to let me go because I was starting to get a leg cramp. Like she was trying to stretch me out for a big race not keep me from taking a small nap at her place of work. I mean it was a really long day, I needed a nap.
After my theatrics I came home to take a bath. Anytime anything is slightly wrong with me I have to take a bath. Dehydrated? I’ll get in the bath and suck the water into my skin like a frog. Cold? The steam from the bath with clear my sinuses. Back hurts? Bath. Tired? Bath. Heartburn? Bath. Heartbreak? Bath. Belly issues? Bath. Want to hide from your toddler? Bath. Study for your insurance test? Bath. Literally a bath cures all ails. It is one of the best things in life.
So what have we learned?
A. Julia Swoons is super dramatic.
B. Julia Swoons passes out. A lot.
C. Julia Swoons is not a doctor.
D. Baths are amazing. 🛀 🌺
Happy Wednesday dolls!